The "big reveal...."

Today was the first day I went to work without a wig.  Why would it be a big deal?  Because I work with mostly kids, not grown-ups. I don't worry about what grown-ups think of my hardly there hair, but I do worry about what the kiddos think. When I got to work some of the girls called me into the staff room and gave me a sack full of headbands and flower hair clips.  I put on one of my new bowed blue headband and I headed out to one of the sixth grade classrooms.  The teachers at school have been amazing.  The sixth graders had a lot of stares but no questions. The teacher explained that I had cancer and my treatment made me lose my hair and that I had been wearing a wig but this is the "real" me. Easy peasy, I don't know why I had worried so much about the sixth graders.  After 6th grade I headed to Kindergarten.  The kindergartners all noticed my "new haircut."  The questions I got, "why did you cut your hair?" and "why is it soooo short?" and "are you going to grow it long again?"  All and all the kindergartners are just happy to have you in their classroom and happy to have someone help them with their math.  Once I'm done with Kindergarten I head to 2nd grade.  The 2nd graders are not convinced with my "I got a haircut" answer. So, I sat down with my group of kiddos and I told them that I got sick in January and the medicine that the doctors gave me made my hair fall out. At that point one of the little boys in the group said, "last year I had a red mohawk, I got sick too and all my hair fell at. Did you wear a wig because you were afraid of what people would say because you were bald?"  I just wanted to scoop him up.  I feel so fortunate to be able to work with kids. I love having a little part of these children's lives.  I love being able to give them a kind word or a smile.

Thank you for reading and your support.

Radiation Meditation

Ever find life just flying by.....so busy that you don't have time to think? You just do, cause you know what has to get done. Maybe sometimes we do so that we don't have to think. Think about the decisions we've made, the decisions we are making, how these decisions are going to effect the future. But, even if we are thinking, things still have to get done, you just can't stop. Right?!  Radiation makes me stop and think.  I'm held captive by the radiation machine.  I can't move, so I can't multi-task.  I can't be doing laundry and dishes at the same time.  I can't be making breakfast and packing lunch.  I can't be driving and talking on the phone, catching up on calls.  I can't be Facebooking and texting at the same time. It makes me stop, think and really pray (not just the before food and before bed prayers).  Sometimes during these "stops," I feel good and refocused and sometimes after these "stops," I feel scared. Am I making the right choices?  Am I making myself heard or just going with the flow so that the flow isn't interrupted. At least when I'm just doing doing doing, I'm doing something.  I'm getting things done, but I'm questioning if that is the right thing after all.

Only 8 more to go, 8 more radiation meditations.

Thanks for reading.

Radiation Marathon

Radiation is starting to feel like the last 6 miles of a marathon or the last part of any race for that matter.  You know you are more than halfway done. You know it makes no sense to turn around, because going back is further than finishing.  You feel like crying because your so tired, when in all actuality you should be joyous because it is almost done, but your just so darned tired.

Thinking about a marathon makes me want to do one.  I just keep on thinking of things I want to do that I did before cancer. I want to proof to myself that cancer has not changed me, it hasn't taken me down.  Sometimes I even think maybe this was all a test, I didn't really have cancer.  It has all just been a test to see if it can break me, break my spirit, break my habit of thinking positive, break my habit of thinking the best of everyone, break my smile that I try to give to everyone, break my thinking that people have it way harder than I do.....and it hasn't broken me.  But as I type this I am crying because sometimes it does feel so unfair and surreal and so tiring.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer...

The lyrics to Bon Jovi's song Living on a Prayer are my theme song for radiation. 15 sessions left!!! Yay!!!

 Jon took me to the dermatologist yesterday and this is what she had to say, "Women with breast cancer have an increased risk of developing melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, and women with melanoma are at a higher risk for developing breast cancer. According to a recent study published in the Irish Journal of Medical Science, there is a strong association between breast cancer and melanoma. While earlier studies have noted a link between the two malignancies, this is the first time researchers have explicitly advised doctors to monitor breast cancer patients for signs of melanoma, and vice versa."

She says this as she is taking 2 things off my back to do a biopsy. Are you freaking kidding me?! Really?!  And some wonder why I like to live in the Land of Denial.  Hmm let's see, I haven't really come to grips with breast cancer, you can not tell me after all the "fun," (total sarcastic tone) that I have other stuff to worry and monitor.  Yes, so not only do we have to monitor my boobies, we will have to be on a regular schedule of monitoring my skin.  My little house in the mountains of the Land of Denial sounds better and better to me, any taker? 

I broke 2 radiation rules...

For those of you who know me I tend to be a rule follower and if I break a rule, no matter how big or small, I  can't keep it a secret for long and the guilt usually gets the best of me.

Radiation Rule #1:  Don't shave the area you are getting radiation.  I lasted 2 weeks.  I shaved.

Radiation Rule # 2:  Don't use deodorant with aluminium (pretty much most of the deodorants at the grocery store have aluminium in them). I tried Gabi's idea of using the "bad" deodorant on my shoulder rather than my armpit, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you live in Arizona and it's still over 90 degrees in October, you can't be willy nilly with your deodorant.  So, I broke down and used, as Gabi likes to call it the, "cancer deododant."

I told Gabi that I broke the rules and she was curious to see if I would get in trouble.  So, laying on the radiation table first thing Monday, feeling guilty, but the nurses don't say anything, so I don't say anything.   Tuesday comes and I can't keep quite about my broken rules, I do my confessions have naked on the radiation table.  I didn't get in trouble woot woot.  They then tell me, "it's ok to shave a few times through the process, just not everyday." Hello, gorilla armpit would have appreciated that information in the beginning of this process.  I haven't said anything about the deodorant cause I think I'll really get in trouble for that.  But a good friend of mine gave me a suggestion. La Vanilla has a safe deodorant and it smells heavenly.  I got the Vanilla/Lavender and now Gabi and I have a "non-cancer" deodorant that does the trick.

Holy moly are your armpits hairy..

Yup, that is what my daughter told me on Sunday.  Holy moly are your armpits hairy, really breaks down how sexy I feel through this radiation process. So, what do I do? Monday morning first thing at radiation I ask the radiation nurse, (my favorite one, the one that has hair down her back and she is twirling it as I talk to her) "can I please shave my armpit?" Her answer, "why, it doesn't bother us." Umm no s*#t Sherlock, it's bothering me. She followed that with, "no you can't shave because we are causing so much irritation to your skin that shaving or any other hair removal process with cause too much irritation to the skin."

I look at myself,  hairy armpit and down one nipple and I currently don't feel so great about myself, but I know it's temporary. Something that does make me feel great is that I went for a hike yesterday, right after radiation. I did the Gateway Loop out in DC Ranch. I brought some music and did my first hike since chemo started.  In my head I was saying, "this is a kick in the butt of cancer." It has been 3 months since chemo, 2 months since surgery and 11 sessions of radiation.

Have you ever heard of ICOE (In Case of Emergency)?  Your suppose to put it in your cell phone so if you drop dead emergency personnel know who to call.  I told my sister I would use her as my ICOE if anything happened while working out (the hike kicked my patooti), cause if I hadn't died hiking, Jon would kick my butt.

Stay tuned for more fun breast cancer antidotes.

20 pounds of cancer

 I've been working out 6 times a week, mixing it up the whole time and I can't seem to budge the scale.  So, last night I turned to Dr.Google and searched, losing weight gained during breast cancer. Now my catch phrase during this whole ordeal (I swear I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm just trying to make myself laugh) has been "really, bald, fat and cancer, anything else to add to the plummeting self-esteem train, oh yeah, one nipple down." Back to Dr.Google, it said that it is a misnomer that most women with breast cancer lose weight rather, due to the drugs, decrease in activity, craving for comfort food, most women gain 5-20 pounds. The other thing it said was that one year of cancer ages you 10 years. Seriously, so now I'm 50. If I don't laugh at this I am seriously going to cry. So, I chose to laugh, keeping working out and start working on my diet. Blah  I think I'll have to start tonight because I just had flan and Blanco Taco. Eek!

Thanks again for reading and I hope this gives you a giggle or a smile.

5 down 28 to go

What is the radiation experience like for me? I walk into the office and the girls know you (cause you go there everyday), the people sitting in the waiting room know you as well (cause they are going through their radiation regiment).  The receptionist buzzes me back into the exam and radiation area. I go and grab a locker, like a spa locker. I throw my purse and any clothing that is from the waist up off.  I put on a non-sexy gown and I don't even bother to tie it up.  I go into the sitting room and say "hi" to the regulars. We compare and share stories over water (bummer no vodka tonics here).  One of the radiation nurses comes and gets me. Everyday they ask, "what is your birthday and which breast are we treating?"  I'm such a brat because I want to say "hello, it's the breast without the nipple, the one that you've drawn a big "X" on with a Sharpie marker." But, instead I ask if she has any special plans for the weekend. She's getting her hair done, awesome! Bad attitude sneaking up again, in my head I say, "umm must be nice to have hair to get done."

As a side note, last night Gabriella as asked if it's all girls that get to see my boobs each day and I said, "yes." She said, "phew." Well, to mix it up today there was a male nurse (no jokes please, he was very nice). We walk into the radiation room and I take off my sexy gown and lay down on a moving table. Two nurses on each side of me adjust my body to the exact millimeter so that I match up the same way and the rays get me the same way each day.  I lay with my hands over my head, no top on and I feel so vulnerable.  When would we ever lay anywhere half naked with our arms up (not covering our privates) in front of strangers?  Once the nurses get me positioned they leave the room.  They must have some sort of remote control for the bed because the bed starts to move, it makes a funny sound, like a roller coaster getting ready to take off.  The medical staff has to first do a scan to make sure and adjust the rays. As I lay there these space age robot arms start circling me and it sounds like C-3P0 is in the room with me.  Once they have the radiation ready these same robot arms circle the bed and it sounds like a little kids laser gun is shooting into me.  In my head I'm hoping my lungs and heart are being like a snail or turtle hiding in their shell from the laser gun.  I try to imagine those organs shrinking away from the radiation. Mind of matter, eek, I can only hope.  Once the team is done with the radiation the robot arms go back to the start position, they lower the bed, I hop off, put my gown back on, wish them all a good day and back the the locker area.  I'm in and out of the office in about 30 minutes. The end, just 28 more days to go.

Gabriella's new "funny" thing is to check my armpit to see how much hair is growing on the side that I'm not allowed to shave.

Thanks for reading

Stinky hairy armpit

Yup, you read right. Stinky hairy armpit. The radiation nurses just informed me that I can't shave or put deodorant on the side they are radiating. I'm thinking they must have forgotten we live in Arizona (I kid). Cancer seems to not care about self-esteem. My daughters solution:  trim your underarm hairs with scissors and put deodorant and perfume on my shoulder. Problem solved. Sooo, if you get a whiff of Tom's lavender (no metal in their deodorant) on one side and Secret Cotton scent, you'll know why. :)

To wig or not to wig, that is the question....

It is 3 months after chemo and I finally have some hair on my head. Woot woot! It's still 105 degrees in Phoenix and wigs make it even hotter.  To wig or not to wig, that is the question. I'm not wearing my wig to the grocery store, work-outs, or meetings.  I am wearing my wig to work, per Gabi's request. I've started working at Gabi's school. She is ok with the no wig to tennis, gymnastics and pretty much everywhere else, but not school. I'm hoping to be able to go to work without a wig by the first of the year.  I have a big case of hair envy.  I just love looking at girls/women with hair.  I obviously did not truely appreciate my hair when I had it. I have to laugh at how things change. I used to look at magazines for long hair ideas, now I am so excited to be able to have a pixie style. Come on hair keep growing!!!

Raaaaadiation Time, Come On!

Raaaadiation Time, come on. It's a radiation.  (Sing to the Kool and the Gang song, Celebrate Good Times song.) I start radiation tomorrow at 9:00. I'm not nervous, cause it can't possibly be worst than chemo or surgery, so basically a walk in the park. It's suppose to take about 20 minutes. Monday-Friday for the next 33 days.  So....if your looking for me, you know where to find me.  They say I should expect skin irritation and fatigue. Fatigue is a funny thing, who isn't fatigued now a days, except for maybe a room of kindergartners. So we shall. Ciao for now. :)

CIPN

The now....CIPN. Chemo induced peripheral neuropathy, peripheral nerve damage caused by chemo. I don't have cancer but if I'm not moving my fingers, wrists or shoulders my arm limbs go tingly and numb to burning pain. Awesome. So, if you peak into our house throughout the night you just may see me doing "jazz hands" to try to make it go away. If I knew when it was going to stop I think it would be easier to handle but just as it comes on out of nowhere there is no set time for it to stop. Dr. Google says it could be months, years or indefinitely. Yay, way to narrow it down. Going to call the oncologist this week. Ta ta for now.

Dr. Google

January 22, 2012 - What do you do for the rest of the weekend you find a lump in your boob?   You feel the bump until it hurts, you think that is a good sign cause cancer doesn't hurt. You feel it some more and think, it has smooth edges because cancer has irregular edges. You think this is no big deal because you were just in the gyno's office in November and everything was fine. Oh and while your in a happy state of denial your husband does the only thing he can, he turns to Dr. Google.

Ahhh, Dr. Google, who in our day and age has not asked Dr. Google to check our symptoms, side effects or cure?! Bad idea/good idea it hardly can be helped. Our result was further confusion. My favorite question from Jon this weekend, "don't you feel your boobs?"  My answer, "nope." Contrary to some (of course not all) men, we are not as enthralled with our boobs and do not spend hours or even minutes feeling them. I jump in the shower, speed wash, speed dry and get the day rolling, this includes breakfasts, lunches, outfits for work and school, homework etc. We take our kids to school, ourselves to work, pick-up from school, homework, dinner....game over. No time for booby fondling, I thought that fell in the realm of husbandly duties. Thank goodness Jon did, he found it, he saved my life. I seriously would have never took the time. So for the 100 millionth time, get to know your boobies.

Monday get here so we can call the gyno and get an answer.

"One love, one nipple.."

Do you know the song by U2? One? That is what I heard in my head when I looked down at my chest during water aerobics today. There staring right at me was one nipple. It seems quite apparent to me but I'm sure no one else noticed. I have to laugh because I sure as heck am not going to cry? I'm thankful to be bouncing around in a pool with the sun shining. I could be laying in bed after chemo, so haha on you cancer.

As a side note, the way I'm going to work this blog is like some fictional authors do, one post/chapter in the past and one post/chapter in the present.

The beginning of the "bump in the road."

January 21, 2012 - It's Barrett Jackson Saturday and Jon, Bella, Gramps and I are going to see some dream cars. We get home and Jon and I are spending some "quality time" together, wink wink. Things are moving along when.....I say, "what are you doing, giving me a breast exam?" Now I think I'm hilarious but Jon's not laughing. He has me feel my left breast, right behind my nipple. There is a lump the size of an Oreo. I can't tell you how quickly that puts an end to the nooky session. Think car racing down a track and then suddenly slamming on the breaks. So, what does any normal, sane person do...Google it of course. The rest of the afternoon and evening is used for squeezing my boob and comparing what we feel to what we are reading on the Internet. I on the other hand am preparing myself for a trip to my favorite place, The Land of Denial, (no passport needed). I just had my annual OB/GYN visit in November, there was nothing in my boob in November why would there be this big lump 2 months later? I have no family history of cancer in my family. I eat right, exercise, don't smoke, go out to Happy Hour maybe once a month, if that. There is no way this lump is cancer. Now this story would have ended here if it was up to me, alas, it isn't. Jon says I have to call the OB/GYN on Monday.  In the Land of Denial things move forward, I've got stuff to do, snuggles and hugs to be handed out to an eight year old. I am not going to think about Monday until it gets here.

I got a tattoo today actually not one but 3. What?!???!? Yup that's me, bad to the bone. Haha. Nope it's actually 3 pin drop tattoos so that they know where to radiate me. It was CAT scan day. My favorite phrase of the day, "make sure you keep your neck turned and very still, we don't want to radiate your esophagus'" or your heart, lungs etc. Raditation starts on 9/24/12, almost 3 months after chemo. Thirty-three sessions in all,once a day, 5 days weeks for alittle over 6 weeks. Am I happy to do it....no. Will I be thankful when it's done...yes. Right now I feel like its a pain in my butt and interruption to my life.

40 years young

January 11, 2012 I turned 40. I had never felt better and happier in my life. Ok, besides my wedding day and the day we had Gabriella. But, to be completely honest, this day was different. I felt secure, thankful and truly blessed. I wasn't sad to turn 40, I didn't feel like my life was half over, I felt like life couldn't get any better.