Why oh why have I not written in so long?

It has been over three months since my last treatment. Why have I not written? Because, I am so excited to live my life.  The life that did not include multiple doctor visits a week.  The life that isn't scheduling the next doctor visit.  Has it been amazing?! Umm, yes!!! It's the life where I can be like everyone else, mostly everyone else.

Am I like everyone else? No. Some may say, "why do you want to be like everyone else?"  Maybe it is more like I want to be my old self, the one before cancer.  I never was one to think worst-case scenario when it came to health, especially my own health.  What happens now?  I have a back-pain and it wraps around to under my arm where my lymph nodes were removed, what do I think now? The cancer has come back, we didn't get everything.  In all actuality, the bump I hit while sledding was nasty. What does Jon, my husband think, "the bump she hit while sledding has dislodged cancer from another part of her body."  After numerous e-mails to the oncologist and a visit to the chiropractor, all is well.  Would I have thought I got cancer from sledding a year ago, no, I would have called myself a hypochondriac.

Last week we went to see the oncologist for my 3 months after treatment visit. I told him I felt as good as I did before I was diagnosed in January 2012. I'm working, I'm working out, my brain has come out of the chemo haze. I'm loving life, except for the missing nipple.  He says,  "that's great, see you in 3 months.  Go to the back and get your blood work." Hip-pity Hop.  I go and see the "Chemo girls," show them my fabulous "fro," I get my blood drawn and I am out of there.

Easy peasy, right? Nope! Welcome back to reality.  Jon and I are driving home and we get a call from the doctor, they say, "turn around and come back your white blood cells are way too low."  What are Jon and I thinking? "Are you freaking kidding me!!!" I feel great, how can something be wrong.  Would I freaked out before having cancer, no.  Where does my mind go now?  "This is the same thing like last time, I was feeling great and I got cancer." Right away I start gearing my mind for another round of chemo.

What is the reality?  Chemo is still messing around with my body.  My white blood cells are super low, I'm prone to infection and if I do get sick it's straight to the hospital with me. Is there a solution? Yes, I got a neupogen shot.  This shot stimulates the bone marrow to make white blood cells. 

We went to see the oncologist on Tuesday, we have to wait until Monday to see if the shot works and to see where I stand with my cancer markers.  Ahhh, the lovely games our mind plays.  I come home from the doctor and have a piece of chocolate and lay down.  What does Jon do?  He turns to Google. I'm working all week, 8-4, so I'm busy and happy.  Less time for my brain to think, "I got another cancer due to the chemo."  Jon is not one to wait, for anything, so he goes to the chemo dr. on Thursday and gets the results.  He then comes to my work.  I can still see the picture fresh in my eyes.  He has the blood work in his hand and his eyes are tearing up.  Lord, I don't want to do this again.  But, his tears are of joy, my cancer markers are exactly where they are suppose to be and the neupogen shot has worked. Woot woot.  Really, I would prefer to read drama rather than having it part of my life.

Why write now?  Because some how I thought I would be through with this cancer business in November. I like to joke and say I birthed a cancer baby, (9 months of cancer business and done.) I thought I could put it in a box on a shelf and just go back and look at it when I wanted, but that isn't the case.  I see breast cancer license plates and I wonder, "does that person have it or did they have it? Do they have someone going through it?  Did they make it?"  I see a girl walking for her workout and she is wearing a bandanna, I can tell she has no hair under her bandanna.  She is walking with her head held high.  But, I know it isn't easy.  I want to stop my car and tell her she is doing a great job, keep it up. I go to the chemo doctor and I see people in all different levels of their fight and it brings it all back.

I just found out that a 17 year old girl that I met in December has just been diagnosed with a cancerous tumor outside her trachea. Her blog is carleyelleallison.wordpress.com.  She reached out to me yesterday and she said I am an inspiration to her. Hello!!! She is an inspiration to me.  I need to keep writing because if this story helps one person, if it makes one person laugh after a hard day, it's all good to me.

Thank you thank you for all your support.

The "big reveal...."

Today was the first day I went to work without a wig.  Why would it be a big deal?  Because I work with mostly kids, not grown-ups. I don't worry about what grown-ups think of my hardly there hair, but I do worry about what the kiddos think. When I got to work some of the girls called me into the staff room and gave me a sack full of headbands and flower hair clips.  I put on one of my new bowed blue headband and I headed out to one of the sixth grade classrooms.  The teachers at school have been amazing.  The sixth graders had a lot of stares but no questions. The teacher explained that I had cancer and my treatment made me lose my hair and that I had been wearing a wig but this is the "real" me. Easy peasy, I don't know why I had worried so much about the sixth graders.  After 6th grade I headed to Kindergarten.  The kindergartners all noticed my "new haircut."  The questions I got, "why did you cut your hair?" and "why is it soooo short?" and "are you going to grow it long again?"  All and all the kindergartners are just happy to have you in their classroom and happy to have someone help them with their math.  Once I'm done with Kindergarten I head to 2nd grade.  The 2nd graders are not convinced with my "I got a haircut" answer. So, I sat down with my group of kiddos and I told them that I got sick in January and the medicine that the doctors gave me made my hair fall out. At that point one of the little boys in the group said, "last year I had a red mohawk, I got sick too and all my hair fell at. Did you wear a wig because you were afraid of what people would say because you were bald?"  I just wanted to scoop him up.  I feel so fortunate to be able to work with kids. I love having a little part of these children's lives.  I love being able to give them a kind word or a smile.

Thank you for reading and your support.

Radiation Meditation

Ever find life just flying by.....so busy that you don't have time to think? You just do, cause you know what has to get done. Maybe sometimes we do so that we don't have to think. Think about the decisions we've made, the decisions we are making, how these decisions are going to effect the future. But, even if we are thinking, things still have to get done, you just can't stop. Right?!  Radiation makes me stop and think.  I'm held captive by the radiation machine.  I can't move, so I can't multi-task.  I can't be doing laundry and dishes at the same time.  I can't be making breakfast and packing lunch.  I can't be driving and talking on the phone, catching up on calls.  I can't be Facebooking and texting at the same time. It makes me stop, think and really pray (not just the before food and before bed prayers).  Sometimes during these "stops," I feel good and refocused and sometimes after these "stops," I feel scared. Am I making the right choices?  Am I making myself heard or just going with the flow so that the flow isn't interrupted. At least when I'm just doing doing doing, I'm doing something.  I'm getting things done, but I'm questioning if that is the right thing after all.

Only 8 more to go, 8 more radiation meditations.

Thanks for reading.

Radiation Marathon

Radiation is starting to feel like the last 6 miles of a marathon or the last part of any race for that matter.  You know you are more than halfway done. You know it makes no sense to turn around, because going back is further than finishing.  You feel like crying because your so tired, when in all actuality you should be joyous because it is almost done, but your just so darned tired.

Thinking about a marathon makes me want to do one.  I just keep on thinking of things I want to do that I did before cancer. I want to proof to myself that cancer has not changed me, it hasn't taken me down.  Sometimes I even think maybe this was all a test, I didn't really have cancer.  It has all just been a test to see if it can break me, break my spirit, break my habit of thinking positive, break my habit of thinking the best of everyone, break my smile that I try to give to everyone, break my thinking that people have it way harder than I do.....and it hasn't broken me.  But as I type this I am crying because sometimes it does feel so unfair and surreal and so tiring.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer...

The lyrics to Bon Jovi's song Living on a Prayer are my theme song for radiation. 15 sessions left!!! Yay!!!

 Jon took me to the dermatologist yesterday and this is what she had to say, "Women with breast cancer have an increased risk of developing melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, and women with melanoma are at a higher risk for developing breast cancer. According to a recent study published in the Irish Journal of Medical Science, there is a strong association between breast cancer and melanoma. While earlier studies have noted a link between the two malignancies, this is the first time researchers have explicitly advised doctors to monitor breast cancer patients for signs of melanoma, and vice versa."

She says this as she is taking 2 things off my back to do a biopsy. Are you freaking kidding me?! Really?!  And some wonder why I like to live in the Land of Denial.  Hmm let's see, I haven't really come to grips with breast cancer, you can not tell me after all the "fun," (total sarcastic tone) that I have other stuff to worry and monitor.  Yes, so not only do we have to monitor my boobies, we will have to be on a regular schedule of monitoring my skin.  My little house in the mountains of the Land of Denial sounds better and better to me, any taker? 

I broke 2 radiation rules...

For those of you who know me I tend to be a rule follower and if I break a rule, no matter how big or small, I  can't keep it a secret for long and the guilt usually gets the best of me.

Radiation Rule #1:  Don't shave the area you are getting radiation.  I lasted 2 weeks.  I shaved.

Radiation Rule # 2:  Don't use deodorant with aluminium (pretty much most of the deodorants at the grocery store have aluminium in them). I tried Gabi's idea of using the "bad" deodorant on my shoulder rather than my armpit, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you live in Arizona and it's still over 90 degrees in October, you can't be willy nilly with your deodorant.  So, I broke down and used, as Gabi likes to call it the, "cancer deododant."

I told Gabi that I broke the rules and she was curious to see if I would get in trouble.  So, laying on the radiation table first thing Monday, feeling guilty, but the nurses don't say anything, so I don't say anything.   Tuesday comes and I can't keep quite about my broken rules, I do my confessions have naked on the radiation table.  I didn't get in trouble woot woot.  They then tell me, "it's ok to shave a few times through the process, just not everyday." Hello, gorilla armpit would have appreciated that information in the beginning of this process.  I haven't said anything about the deodorant cause I think I'll really get in trouble for that.  But a good friend of mine gave me a suggestion. La Vanilla has a safe deodorant and it smells heavenly.  I got the Vanilla/Lavender and now Gabi and I have a "non-cancer" deodorant that does the trick.

Holy moly are your armpits hairy..

Yup, that is what my daughter told me on Sunday.  Holy moly are your armpits hairy, really breaks down how sexy I feel through this radiation process. So, what do I do? Monday morning first thing at radiation I ask the radiation nurse, (my favorite one, the one that has hair down her back and she is twirling it as I talk to her) "can I please shave my armpit?" Her answer, "why, it doesn't bother us." Umm no s*#t Sherlock, it's bothering me. She followed that with, "no you can't shave because we are causing so much irritation to your skin that shaving or any other hair removal process with cause too much irritation to the skin."

I look at myself,  hairy armpit and down one nipple and I currently don't feel so great about myself, but I know it's temporary. Something that does make me feel great is that I went for a hike yesterday, right after radiation. I did the Gateway Loop out in DC Ranch. I brought some music and did my first hike since chemo started.  In my head I was saying, "this is a kick in the butt of cancer." It has been 3 months since chemo, 2 months since surgery and 11 sessions of radiation.

Have you ever heard of ICOE (In Case of Emergency)?  Your suppose to put it in your cell phone so if you drop dead emergency personnel know who to call.  I told my sister I would use her as my ICOE if anything happened while working out (the hike kicked my patooti), cause if I hadn't died hiking, Jon would kick my butt.

Stay tuned for more fun breast cancer antidotes.