Radiation Meditation

Ever find life just flying by.....so busy that you don't have time to think? You just do, cause you know what has to get done. Maybe sometimes we do so that we don't have to think. Think about the decisions we've made, the decisions we are making, how these decisions are going to effect the future. But, even if we are thinking, things still have to get done, you just can't stop. Right?!  Radiation makes me stop and think.  I'm held captive by the radiation machine.  I can't move, so I can't multi-task.  I can't be doing laundry and dishes at the same time.  I can't be making breakfast and packing lunch.  I can't be driving and talking on the phone, catching up on calls.  I can't be Facebooking and texting at the same time. It makes me stop, think and really pray (not just the before food and before bed prayers).  Sometimes during these "stops," I feel good and refocused and sometimes after these "stops," I feel scared. Am I making the right choices?  Am I making myself heard or just going with the flow so that the flow isn't interrupted. At least when I'm just doing doing doing, I'm doing something.  I'm getting things done, but I'm questioning if that is the right thing after all.

Only 8 more to go, 8 more radiation meditations.

Thanks for reading.

Radiation Marathon

Radiation is starting to feel like the last 6 miles of a marathon or the last part of any race for that matter.  You know you are more than halfway done. You know it makes no sense to turn around, because going back is further than finishing.  You feel like crying because your so tired, when in all actuality you should be joyous because it is almost done, but your just so darned tired.

Thinking about a marathon makes me want to do one.  I just keep on thinking of things I want to do that I did before cancer. I want to proof to myself that cancer has not changed me, it hasn't taken me down.  Sometimes I even think maybe this was all a test, I didn't really have cancer.  It has all just been a test to see if it can break me, break my spirit, break my habit of thinking positive, break my habit of thinking the best of everyone, break my smile that I try to give to everyone, break my thinking that people have it way harder than I do.....and it hasn't broken me.  But as I type this I am crying because sometimes it does feel so unfair and surreal and so tiring.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer...

The lyrics to Bon Jovi's song Living on a Prayer are my theme song for radiation. 15 sessions left!!! Yay!!!

 Jon took me to the dermatologist yesterday and this is what she had to say, "Women with breast cancer have an increased risk of developing melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, and women with melanoma are at a higher risk for developing breast cancer. According to a recent study published in the Irish Journal of Medical Science, there is a strong association between breast cancer and melanoma. While earlier studies have noted a link between the two malignancies, this is the first time researchers have explicitly advised doctors to monitor breast cancer patients for signs of melanoma, and vice versa."

She says this as she is taking 2 things off my back to do a biopsy. Are you freaking kidding me?! Really?!  And some wonder why I like to live in the Land of Denial.  Hmm let's see, I haven't really come to grips with breast cancer, you can not tell me after all the "fun," (total sarcastic tone) that I have other stuff to worry and monitor.  Yes, so not only do we have to monitor my boobies, we will have to be on a regular schedule of monitoring my skin.  My little house in the mountains of the Land of Denial sounds better and better to me, any taker? 

I broke 2 radiation rules...

For those of you who know me I tend to be a rule follower and if I break a rule, no matter how big or small, I  can't keep it a secret for long and the guilt usually gets the best of me.

Radiation Rule #1:  Don't shave the area you are getting radiation.  I lasted 2 weeks.  I shaved.

Radiation Rule # 2:  Don't use deodorant with aluminium (pretty much most of the deodorants at the grocery store have aluminium in them). I tried Gabi's idea of using the "bad" deodorant on my shoulder rather than my armpit, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you live in Arizona and it's still over 90 degrees in October, you can't be willy nilly with your deodorant.  So, I broke down and used, as Gabi likes to call it the, "cancer deododant."

I told Gabi that I broke the rules and she was curious to see if I would get in trouble.  So, laying on the radiation table first thing Monday, feeling guilty, but the nurses don't say anything, so I don't say anything.   Tuesday comes and I can't keep quite about my broken rules, I do my confessions have naked on the radiation table.  I didn't get in trouble woot woot.  They then tell me, "it's ok to shave a few times through the process, just not everyday." Hello, gorilla armpit would have appreciated that information in the beginning of this process.  I haven't said anything about the deodorant cause I think I'll really get in trouble for that.  But a good friend of mine gave me a suggestion. La Vanilla has a safe deodorant and it smells heavenly.  I got the Vanilla/Lavender and now Gabi and I have a "non-cancer" deodorant that does the trick.

Holy moly are your armpits hairy..

Yup, that is what my daughter told me on Sunday.  Holy moly are your armpits hairy, really breaks down how sexy I feel through this radiation process. So, what do I do? Monday morning first thing at radiation I ask the radiation nurse, (my favorite one, the one that has hair down her back and she is twirling it as I talk to her) "can I please shave my armpit?" Her answer, "why, it doesn't bother us." Umm no s*#t Sherlock, it's bothering me. She followed that with, "no you can't shave because we are causing so much irritation to your skin that shaving or any other hair removal process with cause too much irritation to the skin."

I look at myself,  hairy armpit and down one nipple and I currently don't feel so great about myself, but I know it's temporary. Something that does make me feel great is that I went for a hike yesterday, right after radiation. I did the Gateway Loop out in DC Ranch. I brought some music and did my first hike since chemo started.  In my head I was saying, "this is a kick in the butt of cancer." It has been 3 months since chemo, 2 months since surgery and 11 sessions of radiation.

Have you ever heard of ICOE (In Case of Emergency)?  Your suppose to put it in your cell phone so if you drop dead emergency personnel know who to call.  I told my sister I would use her as my ICOE if anything happened while working out (the hike kicked my patooti), cause if I hadn't died hiking, Jon would kick my butt.

Stay tuned for more fun breast cancer antidotes.

20 pounds of cancer

 I've been working out 6 times a week, mixing it up the whole time and I can't seem to budge the scale.  So, last night I turned to Dr.Google and searched, losing weight gained during breast cancer. Now my catch phrase during this whole ordeal (I swear I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm just trying to make myself laugh) has been "really, bald, fat and cancer, anything else to add to the plummeting self-esteem train, oh yeah, one nipple down." Back to Dr.Google, it said that it is a misnomer that most women with breast cancer lose weight rather, due to the drugs, decrease in activity, craving for comfort food, most women gain 5-20 pounds. The other thing it said was that one year of cancer ages you 10 years. Seriously, so now I'm 50. If I don't laugh at this I am seriously going to cry. So, I chose to laugh, keeping working out and start working on my diet. Blah  I think I'll have to start tonight because I just had flan and Blanco Taco. Eek!

Thanks again for reading and I hope this gives you a giggle or a smile.